The idea of "I won't be able to go back" is a recurring one, when it comes to coming out or beginning to enact a part of your identity you've kept secret and entirely internal. Cuz like, yeah it's true, you won't be able to go back, because now the thing that was secret exists in the world. It is worth acknowledging the gravity of that.
The thing to remember sometimes, or the the thing that became helpful for me to remember, was that I wanted the change. I wanted to be able to share this with people, to have people who would know me as I was and not just as what my body projected onto me. The relief of it was important - for those who took it well and those who didn't. I was in the position of having to come out to known transphobic parents, and it basically was kind of like you said, about the need overwhelming the fear. But the specific conclusion I came to was essentially that no longer having a closet to maintain was worth even a worst case scenario reception. Having to pretend around them, or having to worry about giving something away, became more stressful than it was worth. Wrecking the closet meant I didn't have to maintain it around them anymore.
Good luck figuring out the how and the when. Once it's done you'll get to figure out what your life out of that closet will look like. And that part's pretty nice.
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momijizukamori and
This is a deeply familiar mood and place to be in
Date: 2024-10-30 02:51 am (UTC)The thing to remember sometimes, or the the thing that became helpful for me to remember, was that I wanted the change. I wanted to be able to share this with people, to have people who would know me as I was and not just as what my body projected onto me. The relief of it was important - for those who took it well and those who didn't. I was in the position of having to come out to known transphobic parents, and it basically was kind of like you said, about the need overwhelming the fear. But the specific conclusion I came to was essentially that no longer having a closet to maintain was worth even a worst case scenario reception. Having to pretend around them, or having to worry about giving something away, became more stressful than it was worth. Wrecking the closet meant I didn't have to maintain it around them anymore.
Good luck figuring out the how and the when. Once it's done you'll get to figure out what your life out of that closet will look like. And that part's pretty nice.