we have to come out (as trans) someday

[gullwingdoors]

it's not a matter of if, but a matter of when. we know we're never gonna hold out being really anxious about being out as trans to my mom and uncle, it's going to fucking happen someday when the need beats that anxiety.

i'm not even scared they won't *take it well.* my mom's proudly pan, and my uncle's ace, and they've both already pegged me as Not Straight, they wouldn't even *mind* much. really, the major worry is that it would get out and the *extended family* would be weird about it! but also the other major worry is, like... there's no going back, you know? suddenly i'll no longer be a Handsomely Androgynous Young Man(?) in meatspace, i'll be a Pretty Girl(?) Who Has To Suddenly Decide Who To Keep In The Dark About It, and that kinda shift is scary.

but we know it's going to happen. the more we think about it, the closer we get to breaking the biggest brainwall of them all and just fucking saying it and really finally starting. we cannot fucking stay like this forever, with the increasing amount of intensity the thought's come up i'd give it a year at the very most

Comments

This is a deeply familiar mood and place to be in

[dismallyoriented]

The idea of "I won't be able to go back" is a recurring one, when it comes to coming out or beginning to enact a part of your identity you've kept secret and entirely internal. Cuz like, yeah it's true, you won't be able to go back, because now the thing that was secret exists in the world. It is worth acknowledging the gravity of that.

The thing to remember sometimes, or the the thing that became helpful for me to remember, was that I wanted the change. I wanted to be able to share this with people, to have people who would know me as I was and not just as what my body projected onto me. The relief of it was important - for those who took it well and those who didn't. I was in the position of having to come out to known transphobic parents, and it basically was kind of like you said, about the need overwhelming the fear. But the specific conclusion I came to was essentially that no longer having a closet to maintain was worth even a worst case scenario reception. Having to pretend around them, or having to worry about giving something away, became more stressful than it was worth. Wrecking the closet meant I didn't have to maintain it around them anymore.

Good luck figuring out the how and the when. Once it's done you'll get to figure out what your life out of that closet will look like. And that part's pretty nice.

Re: This is a deeply familiar mood and place to be in

[gullwingdoors]

thanks for the words of encouragement -- i'll get that how and when sorted when it's time, and then life'll be irrevocably different in a good kinda way i think